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I just finished editing my blog...took quite some time but finally I'm done. Couldn't update in awhile since I have no Internet at home, so I'm taking my opportunity while at my cousin's place. Also, I haven't much time since my dear dad's got all my weekends planned out already all the way till the end of June. First, this weekend we're going to Melaka, then Pontian, Johor, after that wedding at Bangi, next Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, then finally Langkawi. The main event is Sabah since we're going to climb Mt Kinabalu. But I don't want to, but I have to. It's not that I don't want to, but I don't think I'm ready yet. Seriously, 1 month of training can't be expected to suffice. Maybe next year it will be possible. The thing is, my dad being my dad is dragging me along wether I want to or not. Just because he wants to he thinks I do too. He doesn't even consider wether or not I'll be able to cope with it. It sounds like fun, but I know I'll suffer physically. I just barely managed Bukit Gasing, and that was like 10 times less than Kinabalu. I'm simply not fit enough but he doesn't seem to get it. He insists that I want to. Like I'm a robot that can be programmed. Please!
Sometimes a good cry is all you need to make you feel better. All the years of insult and injury are starting to pile up on me. I'm not sure if I can take it any longer. I feel like I'm in a prison with no walls, and I nned to get out, only I can't because it's not time yet. All those years of being insulted and made fun of, not only by the other kids in school, but also by my own family. I was forever being put down, no matter what I did. If I did something wrong, I'd get shit for it. If I did something right, nobody cared, and even if I didn't do anything, I'd somehow get blamed for something. And even though my peers are no longer making fun of me, I'm still made fun of by my siblings. Somehow they make me feel even more unwanted than I aready feel. I wish I could get away from all this and forget everything that ever hurt me. I just want to be happy...is that so wrong? My dad is starting to acknowledge my achievements, but it's too late now. None of them ever understood me, none of them ever cared, and none of them ever will. I'm not wanted here, I never was. The other day I was with my brother and his wife, and my sis in law suggested we have a picnic the next day. And guess what my brother said? He said we can't have a picnic coz my sister wouldn't be able to join us since she was out of town. Well ladeedah! Heaven forbid we exclude her. Nobody objected when they planned a picnic when I wasn't around. Obviously my presence doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if i'm not around. Who cares? Well, I definitely don't. I won't even try anymore to be a part of this family. Why should I stay where I'm obviously not wanted?
